Finding Your Way Back to Functional

May 2015

A number of years ago, a friend said, “June, I want to read something to you. See how closely you identify with these questions.”

• Do you fear personal criticism?
• Do you constantly seek approval?
• Do you lie when you could just as easily tell the truth?
• Do you assume too much or too little responsibility?
• Do you violate your own boundaries to please others?
• Do you stuff your emotions?

After my friend finished reading the full list, I responded, “Yes, I do identify with many of them—not all, but most.” That’s when she explained she was reading from a book about adult children of alcoholics. I was stunned. I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic home, yet I had many of the characteristics of someone who did.

Later, I learned that a parent who has harmful characteristics creates a home environment much like an alcoholic would. Quickly I realized that many of the following characteristics had existed in my “growing up” family…

Thinking your normal is “normal”—Children grow up thinking that whatever they are experiencing is normal and assume everyone is treated like they are treated. I grew up watching the television classic Father Knows Best, yet I knew my father and the father portrayed in that idyllic family were far apart in their behaviors. My father didn’t know how to love unconditionally. He didn’t know how to reach out…show affection…be affirming. Even though I knew our situation at home was “different,” it was my normal.

Reversing parent-child roles – I prioritized protecting my mother. At rare times, I confronted my father’s infidelity, but any attempt to “speak the truth” only resulted in negative consequences…like the time my father sent me away to boarding school for being a “negative influence” on Mother. In reality, I was just being her defender.

Assuming too much responsibility – A friend told me repeatedly, “June, you’re too quick to accept blame for everything.” She wanted me to break the pattern of feeling that if I did something wrong, it was the end of the world. I was overly responsible and felt I needed to have an answer for everything.

Stuffing emotions – My father didn’t tolerate tears. He said, “Tears are a sign of mental illness.” So I learned to stuff my emotions, and for many years I didn’t cry. In my 30s, a dear friend saw my tears and told me, “Oh, June, that’s so good. I’m very proud of you!” I felt so awkward. Good? What! This is awful! Today if my eyes well up with tears, I realize, That’s good, June. That’s good.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, be encouraged.

You don’t have to live feeling powerless, desperate for approval, and needing to please people. Through the power of Christ, the dysfunctional family patterns of your past can be healed in the present, offering you hope for the future. Here are six life-changing steps to get you started:

1. Grieve your past. Make a list of painful family situations that hurt you. List them in chronological order. Ask God to reveal your grief. Be honest about your pain. Give yourself permission to grieve…“Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).
2. Give Jesus first place in your heart. Ask Jesus to be the Lord of your life. Accept His forgiveness and love. Be aware of His constant presence within you. Jesus said…“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23).
3. Acknowledge your dysfunctional characteristics. Ask God to reveal your 
weaknesses. Pray for wisdom to understand 
how to change. Trust Christ to be your strength for change…“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).
4. Consider your God-given rights. Typically, those raised in a dysfunctional family don’t understand what is right for them to think or do. Often they’re told they don’t have any rights, but they do! You have the right to follow the written Word of God. If you grew up with an abusive parent or if you live with a verbally or physically abusive spouse, you have the right to say no. Acts 5:29 says…“We must obey God rather than human beings!”
5. Set boundaries. Refuse to be manipulated or mistreated. You are a valued child of God. Set your boundaries, and then live as God’s valued child!…“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1).
6. Choose to forgive. Make a list of persons who have wounded you and pray for them every day. Praying for those who have caused you the most pain will give you genuine compassion for them. Jesus said…
“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).

God promises that if you follow His truths for wholeness, you will have a transformed life.

Don’t be a prisoner of your past. Find your way out of the darkness. Through the power of Christ in you, let your past be past and press on to a future filled with hope.

Yours in the Lord’s hope,

June Hunt

If you’re on Facebook, I invite you to connect with me at Facebook.com/June.Hunt.Hope. And if you’re not, take it from me: You’re never too old to start! See you there!

For your convenience, you can donate to this ministry via our website, www.HopeForTheHeart.org.